We learn the basics of life—how to judge and act—through our families, and we experience deep bonds, comfort, and healing. Therefore, it is entirely natural to expect an ideal family dynamic from our parents, spouses, and children.
The problem is that these very expectations become the cause of conflict. When expectations are not met, they turn into disappointment, escalate into anger and rage, and ultimately become resentment and hatred.
There is no perfect family in this world. However, there are no insurmountable conflicts, nor are there irreversible relationships. If you adopt the mindset of, “I am grateful that this conflict has surfaced,” and put in the effort, you can become a better family.
Therefore, here are 3 ways to resolve family conflicts.
3 Ways to Resolve Family Conflicts ✨
1. Reflect on Your Emotions 🪞
When conflict arises between parents and children, both sides suffer and have a hard time. Parents struggle because they love their children, and children struggle with feelings of hatred and guilt. Everyone wants to be a good parent and a good child.
However, because we have never learned how to understand and manage our emotions, we are naturally clumsy at recognizing what our emotions actually are. Therefore, self-reflection is necessary: Why did these emotions arise? Why am I saying and doing these things?
“We think we know ourselves well, but there are many cases where we know ourselves less than we think. To truly know myself, even I need to take a step back from myself. But if an emotion is strong and you don’t know what it is, you cannot take a step back.” — Oh Eun-young, from Reconciliation
There was a mother who felt rage welling up when she saw her child not studying. But looking closely inside that anger, she discovered an underlying emotion of fear. The anxiety about the future—“What will happen to this child’s future if they don’t study? Will I eventually have to take responsibility?”—was simply being expressed as anger.
Therefore, it is important to recognize and resolve these emotions: Why am I angry? What am I afraid of? What should I do to resolve this fear?
A person who understands themselves can understand others. Furthermore, a person who has reconciled with themselves can reconcile with others. The very first thing you must do before resolving a family conflict is to reflect on yourself. Among the best methods for self-reflection is meditation.
2. Show a Changed Self 🌱
When a child has a problem, the entire family’s attention is often focused solely on the child. They believe the problem will be solved if only the child changes. However, a child’s problem is usually a parent’s problem, and all family members share a bit of the responsibility. There are many cases where if just one family member changes, the knot untangles and the entire family transforms.
There was a head of a household who started meditating because of discord with his wife. He came to reflect on himself for turning a blind eye and leaving all the child’s education and household chores entirely to his wife. He felt incredibly grateful and sorry to his wife for living with someone as indifferent and selfish as he was.
Wanting to change something—anything—he washed the dishes and folded the laundry for the first time in his life. His wife supposedly stood there watching with her arms crossed. ‘You changed? Let’s see how long this lasts,’ she thought. But when the father, who had always been indifferent to housework, washed the dishes, the son naturally followed suit and cleaned his room. Feeling respected, the wife tasted happiness for the first time since their honeymoon.
When you understand and reflect on your emotions, you can see your faults, and your behavior changes. When your behavior changes, your family will change little by little.
3. Communicate with Patience 🗣️
When a problem arises with a family member, everyone becomes serious. The family gathers and tries to solve the problem, even if it means staying up all night. However, the person struggling the most is the one directly involved in the conflict. They want to do well too, but they just can’t figure it out.
In such cases, pressing them severely does not help. They will only feel a sense of helplessness. You need the patience to wait and watch over them until their heart opens up. Only then is communication possible, and only then can you help.
“Do you need anything?” / “Is there anything you want to eat?” / “How was today?” It is best to have light conversations shortly, frequently, and without pressure. You need to be able to comfortably express your opinions starting from trivial daily matters, and you need practice saying what you want. Only when one feels safe and trust is built can deep conversations be brought up.
However, if the conflict is severe, the other person might not even accept a short conversation. You might develop feelings of resentment watching a person who doesn’t respond despite your efforts. The more this happens, the more you need to let go of your expectations and have the heart to trust them with a sheer will to change the situation. Subtraction meditation is highly helpful for discarding this mind of expectation.
Growing Into a Healthier Family 🌳
We were born and simply found ourselves as family. It easily becomes a difficult relationship precisely because we expect infinite understanding and affection from each other. However, just as the ground hardens after the rain, if you overcome the conflicts that have surfaced, you can be reborn as a healthier family.
If you speak honestly but remove your emotions, and if you listen sufficiently, there is no conflict that cannot be resolved. That is why each person needs time to reflect on themselves and be the first to change.
References:
- The Illusion of Family (가족이라는 착각), Lee Ho-sun, Yuno Life, 2022
- Reconciliation (화해), Oh Eun-young, Korea.com, 2019
- To Parents Who Struggle with Their Children (내 아이가 힘겨운 부모들에게), Oh Eun-young, Green Wand, 2015
